5 Ways to Practice Slow-to-Anger Love in Your Marriage

1 Corinthians 13:5 (NIV) reminds us that love “does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”

This guidance feels clear and straightforward, especially when applied to our spouse, but the truth is, it’s easier said than done. That’s simply because we’re human. We get angry, and when it comes to the longest relationship in our lives, sometimes we keep mental records, and sometimes that connection triggers an angry response from us—even when we don’t mean for it to.

The good news is that neither your spouse nor God expects you to be perfect. This means we can follow the guidance Corinthians offers by practicing showing Godly love daily to those around us, especially our spouse, and when we stumble or feel we have failed, we can give ourselves some grace and try again.

There are ways to practice slow-to-anger love in marriage. Let’s discuss them.

Pause Before Response

James 1:19 (NIV) advises us to be “slow to speak.” Taking a moment to process what someone has said or done fully allows our brains to catch up. Often, we feel “triggered” by something someone says and react immediately.

In other words, being slow to speak helps us be slow to anger toward those we love.

The problem with reacting by speaking immediately is that when we are truly triggered, a different part of the brain kicks in. It’s the fight-or-flight response. By taking our time to respond, we give the other person time to express their point. By taking the time to listen and understand, we can move past that reactive state to a more thoughtful one, softening anger before it and the devil even gets their foot in the door.

The key to pausing is allowing time… this slows down anger.

Practice Active Listening

Often, arguments escalate simply because people don’t listen to or understand each other. Early in our marriage, I remember getting upset because I thought I communicated something clearly that had a subtext my husband didn’t pick up on (remember, men and women do think differently)

I’d be like, “Well, I told you”—and he’d say, “Well, you communicated, and I missed it (miscommunication).”

Something that has worked for us for several years now is that, before we respond, we repeat what the other person said first. This has helped us slow down and really listen to each other, ensuring that our message is clear and understood before we respond.

Cool-Down Periods

Chances are, if one person gets angry, the other will too. The longer we engage, the greater the potential for a situation to escalate. There’s value in learning how to take a break and give your body the chance to reset your nervous system before you say something out of anger that you don’t mean and very well might regret.

My husband and I learned this lesson early on. We can hit the pause button, take a break, and come back in twenty minutes to an hour with clearer heads and better judgment.

Proverbs 10:19 (NIV) reminds us, “Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues.”

A cool-down period helps us hold our tongues, thereby helping teach our hearts to be slow to anger.

“I” Statements and “We” Language

Statements that start with the word ‘you’ are rarely, if ever, helpful. “You never do ___” or “You said___” sounds accusatory. Leading a conversation this way is one of the quickest ways to trigger anger and escalate an argument.

Practice owning your feelings and perspective by using “I” statements, such as “When ___ happens, I feel…” This shifts difficult conversations from blaming the other person to helping them better understand your experience, perspective, and feelings.

This goes back to that discussion on miscommunication. Sometimes, when we misunderstand what the other person is trying to communicate, we fuel anger rather than diffuse it.

After practicing “I” statements, we can then shift to “We” language. This shifts the conversation from opposition toward our spouse to a team effort in which we work together to solve a problem as “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, NIV).

Pray About It

God understands the rainbow of human emotion, and I’ve always figured that, as the curator of mankind, he’s not only willing to listen to us but also wants us to come to Him with our feelings, even the ugly ones like anger.

After all, anger is a complex, very human emotion. Often, the enemy uses it against us, which is why practicing the skill of being slow to anger—especially with our spouses is pleasing to God.

Because it pleases Him, He is more than happy to listen and guide us toward it.

As someone who struggles with crippling anxiety, Philippians 4:6 (NIV) is my favorite verse. I believe it applies here because it reminds us that we can turn to God with any concern, and He will listen and guide us. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

For example, “Father God, I know you know our hearts. Please guide my words when I speak to my husband. Soften my heart so I am slow to anger toward him and lead us both toward understanding and resolving our conflict in a loving way that honors and glorifies You. In Jesus’ name, Amen”.

Additionally, I think remembering that God is a chord tethered within our union in marriage is an important factor. When “overpowered, a chord of three strands isn’t easily broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12, NIV).

Never Go to Bed Angry and Word Choice Matters

The adage about never going to bed angry is biblical. Ephesians 4:26-27 (NIV) is meant to remind us, “‘In your anger do not sin.’ Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”

We teach our boys this as well. Our family “uses our words,” “going to bed angry means waking up angry,” “Pray, talk about it, hug it out.”

In closing, Proverbs 15:1 (NIV) reminds us that the words we choose matter. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. In a world surrounded by harsh words, we owe it to our spouse to be gentle. Practicing this alone encourages slow-to-anger love in marriage.