7 Ways to Release Resentment

“Forgive and Forget” is one of those age-old pieces of advice that is rarely helpful and much easier said than done. While I don’t typically hold grudges against people and tend to forgive pretty easily, forgetting is a different story. As a deeply emotional chronic overthinker, I replay every situation in my head and strongly remember how people made me feel.

It’s hard to let go when we’ve been hurt or wronged, especially if the other person doesn’t realize what they’ve done or takes no accountability. Yet, holding onto bitterness doesn’t do anyone any good. What does the Bible say about this, and how can we release our feelings of resentment towards others?

Acknowledge Different Perspectives

Our memory can be tricky sometimes. We might remember a situation completely differently from the other person involved. After the moment has passed, all we have is our own perspective of the situation. We’re well aware of where we were coming from and the emotions we were feeling at the time.

It’s often difficult in the moment to get out of that space and put ourselves in the other person’s shoes. This is why in relationships, there are often miscommunications and misunderstandings. Body language, tone, and even words themselves can easily be misinterpreted.

It’s important when we look back on situations that we realize our brain may be overemphasizing some parts and downplaying others. If we truly want to let go of resentment, the first step is recognizing our own biases and limitations. We need to acknowledge that we might not remember every detail accurately or know what was going on inside the other person’s head at the time.

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9, ESV)

Gain Understanding

If the hurt you’re holding onto is from someone you can have honest conversations with, talk to them about it. Not in hopes to prove your point or hammer on how deeply you’ve been wronged, but more so, to listen and gain perspective on where they were coming from.

Understanding how another individual’s brain works and what was going on inside of them at the time can be truly helpful. Does it excuse negative behavior? No, but it can make it much easier to offer them grace.

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;” (James 1:19, ESV)

Hold Yourself Accountable

Accountability is huge in relationships. If you did something wrong, own up to it and apologize. Take responsibility for your part, if any, in the situation. Maybe you were already upset about something else and had an overly harsh response. Maybe you’re carrying past hurt from someone else, which created an unfair sense of distrust.

Whatever it may be, acknowledging some responsibility breaks down the walls and allows the other person to do the same.

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” (James 5:16, ESV)

Forgive

God’s Word is pretty clear about forgiveness. In the same way, God repeatedly forgives us when we don’t deserve it, we are to forgive others. Unfortunately, our humanity makes that difficult to do sometimes.

It would be much easier if the Bible said, “Forgive once the other person apologizes, takes accountability, says the right thing, validates your feelings, and owns up to their mistakes.” But it doesn’t.

Forgiveness isn’t about the other person; it’s about your own heart before God. His Word instructs us to forgive and warns against bitterness building up.

” Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:31-32, ESV)

Remember Their Character

When we have an issue with someone, it’s easy to let the conflict consume us. We can easily forget the positive interactions we’ve had and end up with a warped view of the other person.

We need to withstand the temptation to believe the enemy’s lies. Remind yourself who this person truly is that you’re having the conflict with. Are they trustworthy, loyal, kind, and

supportive 90% of the time? If their character shows they were, then we need to realize their intent was likely not to harm us.

“Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled;” (Hebrews 12:14-15, ESV).

Seek God’s Wisdom

This should probably be the first step in any situation you find yourself in! I know some things mentioned above are challenging, or even impossible, to do on your own. If you’re struggling to forgive or offer grace and understanding to a person who has wronged you, the best thing you can do is give it to God.

Seek wisdom in how to handle the situation and ask him to soften your heart. Pray for him to give you guidance on how to move forward in a way that reflects his love.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6, ESV)

7. Restore the Relationship

Unfortunately, the things that hurt the most tend to come from the people we care about.

Not because they are worse than others or out to make us feel bad, but because their words and actions have the greatest impact on our emotional well-being.

A stranger could say pretty much anything they wanted about me, and it might sting for a bit, but then I’d shrug it off. On the other hand, if I get any inclination that somebody who knows me well has negative feelings towards me, I can’t rest until it’s resolved.

When someone we love hurts us, we have to remember that they are only human and are bound to fall short now and then. If both sides desire reconciliation, you can navigate the hurt together through prayer and communication.

“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8, ESV)

Trade Resentment for Reconciliation

Relationships can be restored and even strengthened through reconciliation. It takes strength, humility, and vulnerability to make it work, but when there is reciprocated love, honesty, and loyalty on both sides, it’s well worth it.