Choose Your Next Words Carefully

When my husband and I started dating in January of our senior year of college, we were pretty straightforward with each other. We agreed that as soon as one of us knew we weren’t going to get married, we would stop dating. Kevin also told me that he wouldn’t say, “I love you,” unless he felt pretty sure that he wanted to marry me. And on an evening in April that year, at his parents’ house, he looked at me and said those three words.

I froze. I don’t know why I froze, but I did. I absolutely loved him, too, and I wasn’t afraid to say it, but I think he just surprised me with it. So I stood there feeling completely in love, yet unable to say so. As the awkward silence extended, I began to feel like it was worse to take so long to say it back than not to say it at all. I’m not sure what Kevin thought about that theory, but I know he was glad the next day when I finally said, “I love you, too.”

Words are powerful, aren’t they? They help us express what we are thinking and feeling. They can heal or hurt. They can make us laugh, cry, understand, delight, open up, or get mad. Words stay with us. They affect our relationships. And this is why we must be both careful and intentional with our words in marriage.

Build up.

We have daily opportunities to either build our spouses up with our words or tear them down with them. Building up might be a slow, steady process, but tearing down with careless or hurtful words can happen in an instant. Our words hold great power. And not just when they are negative. Our positive words have the power to heal, comfort, and forgive, as well as express our love, appreciation, and affection. When we speak words of affirmation, their effectiveness is increased by our sincerity. For example, compliments are more meaningful when they are specific and are not used thoughtlessly. We should be the greatest sources of affirmation for our spouses, and our words should be truthful and life-giving gifts to them.

Be sincere.

We’ve all heard, “Say what you mean and mean what you say.” Sometimes, we use words flippantly or carelessly, and it can cause unintended damage. Sometimes, bits of truth seep out when we are joking around or being sarcastic. We might think they are disguised in humor, but I imagine we’ve all felt the sting of some words hitting a little too close to the heart. Following up with “I’m joking” or insisting that we were being sarcastic doesn’t make hurtful statements okay. And it’s a cheap shot to bring up a difficult issue in this way. There is a time and a place–and a need!–for humor in our marriages, but not when it’s at the expense of real and needed conversations. Let’s be sincere with our words and with our tones.

Be aware of your audience.

Often, there are others in the room when we are talking to our spouses, and they pay attention to how we treat each other verbally. Our greatest audiences are our children, and we all know that they pick up on words, tones, and mannerisms quickly. As parents, we are setting an example to our kids for how husbands and wives should communicate with each other. And they are well aware of any differences in how we speak to each other in public and in private. This is a great responsibility, and it can also offer us some accountability. The ways that we talk to our spouses should be loving, kind, respectful, and sincere; whether we are alone, in front of our kids, around friends, or even around people, we don’t know. Something else to consider: How do you talk about your spouse to others when your spouse is not present? The answer to this can be enlightening.

Take extra care with difficult conversations.

Obviously, it’s not realistic to think that we never have to have difficult conversations in marriage. However, it is realistic to consider that there are practices we can put into place to help make these conversations easier or more productive. First, when we feel it is necessary to correct or confront our spouses, it is better to do so in private. No one likes to be put on the spot or called out in front of other people. When we have these conversations, we can use the “criticism sandwich” technique–surrounding the difficult parts with positive, hopeful (but still sincere and true) words. Criticism is easier to take when it is offered in loving ways. The strength of the relationship makes a huge difference, too. Timing, as well, can make a difference in how criticism is both given and received, as Proverbs 15:23 emphasizes: “…how good is a timely word!” (NIV). Sometimes, a difficult conversation needs to happen right away, but sometimes, it can wait for a more neutral time. We need to ask the Spirit to guide us in the timing of our words.

Don’t assume.

Don’t assume your spouse knows what you mean or how you feel about something. Say the words. We might feel confident that our spouses know that we love them, but it is oh-so-good to hear it often. We might think that our spouses are well aware that we find them attractive or hardworking or smart or funny or [fill in the blank], but we need to make it a priority to express these specific words frequently. We need to remember that our words are weightier than the words of others in our spouses’ ears. Proverbs 3:27 is a good reminder for us in this: “Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to act” (NIV).

Communicate about communication.

Though it might seem redundant, we need to communicate about communication with our spouses. It is wise to check in with each other from time to time about how well (or not) we are communicating. Asking each other what has been helpful/not helpful, being open to receiving feedback, and then acting on that feedback can greatly strengthen our relationships.

Words are powerful. They can heal or hurt, build up or tear down, and be a gift to those we love. Let’s use our words wisely and well in our marriages. And don’t make your spouse wait until the next day before you say, “I love you, too.”