How to Give Your Marriage a Fresh Start This Year

When we hear shouts of “Happy New Year,” our minds often latch onto the word “New”. We associate the passage of a year with the change of habits, goals, and even tangible things.

We purge our homes, we rededicate ourselves to various activities, diets, and more. We set goals that we hope to accomplish within a mere 365 days, and we feel energized as if we are starting anew.

The blessing of God’s grace is that it is new every morning, not every year, but a new year is a good time to be reminded of this and to be motivated to evaluate our lives and see where we can make changes and improvements.

While we are busy filling in new planners, lacing up new walking shoes, cooking new recipes, and taking piles to the donation center, we should also stop and take a look at our marriages. Do they need a tune-up, new habits, or some clean-up? How can we restart our marriages this year to give them a fresh start? It isn’t quite as simple as filling a trash bag with all the failures and mistakes and taking them to the thrift store. It might be a year-long project that will require daily work. It might require those daily mercies rather than a once-a-year jumpstart.

Discussing your marriage with your spouse can be intimidating. You don’t want to simply think of every past problem or disagreement and bring them up again. That is a recipe for having the same old fights in a new year. We want a reset to our marriage, not a rehashing of past problems.

Here are eight restart dialogues to help freshen up your marriage this year. Each dialogue focuses on the future, rather than the past. Imagine opening a blank notebook and all the hope and possibilities it represents. When you start on a fresh piece of paper, it does not have all the scribbles and notes from the past. It is new and unspoiled. Your dialogues should be similar, so you can begin this new year unhindered by the past.

1. Dreams

If you could have three things come to fruition this year, what would they be? Consider careers, living arrangements, recreation, family culture, and your marriage relationship. Don’t focus on reality. These are dreams. Weekly dates, a trip for just the two of you? A vegetable garden? A bathroom makeover. Share the big ideas you have. Even if they can’t all come to pass, they reveal something about you to the other person. Knowing each other’s dreams can bring you closer together.

2. Fears

As you look at the coming year, what makes you nervous or anxious? What thoughts, circumstances, or unknowns worry you? Be honest and specific. Consider a sentence starter such as, “If ___________ doesn’t happen by next year, I will feel _______________”. Knowing one another’s fears can help you formulate specific goals or habits that prevent these fears from being realized, thereby giving you more peace of mind.

3. Calendars

What major events are most important to you? What rhythms do you want to schedule in? Pull out a calendar and write in your plans. Start with the big events and non-negotiables such as holidays and birthdays. Move on to important work or school events and then to new ideas, habits, practices, and activities. Sync your virtual calendars or use a tangible family calendar in a shared space.

4. Intimacy

What are your hopes for our intimacy this year? What makes you excited as you consider our future in this category? Are there goals, dreams, or habits you would like to put in place for this year? This is not the time to use words such as “You always” or “You never”. We are looking forward, not back. If necessary, add these goals to your calendar or use post-it note reminders or intimacy cards. Write down the ideas on 3×5 cards and pull them out weekly to review and put into practice.

5. Parenting Roles

How are you hoping to grow as a parent this year? What are your personal goals for your relationship with your children? Consider training, quality time, sibling relationships, discipleship and more. Answer with your own personal ideas, rather than your hopes for the other person. Then discuss how you envision your roles benefiting one another and how your separate goals can work in tandem.

6. Friendship

How can I feel connected to others this year? What would make me a better friend? How can I cultivate my friendships? Who do you want to invest in this year? Consider your marriage as a friendship first and then move on to outside relationships. Are there other families that you want to cultivate relationships with intentionally? Share some specific ideas and plans for developing these connections.

7. Service

Families are designed to glorify God. Imagine ways that your family can serve God and others together. Create a list of possibilities that interest each of you. Perhaps one of you has heard of a ministry opportunity or knows someone in need. Choose a few options that sound exciting or possible for both of you and commit to them. Pray about these ideas and see where God leads you.

8. Sabbath

Answer the following questions: “What does Sabbath mean to me?” “What do I want Sabbath to look like?” “What can I do to make Sabbath possible?” Compare your thoughts and expectations and set some goals. Make them realistic and start small. You can always add more later. Set yourself up for success.

What a gift a new year is. It is an opportunity to take a deep breath out and breathe in again. It is an opportunity to practice Philippians 3:13, “forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.”

As you step into this new year together, remember that a fresh start in marriage isn’t something you have to manufacture by sheer effort—it’s something God lovingly offers. You can move forward hand in hand, strengthened by His mercy, guided by His wisdom, and united through His love. May this year be one where you and your spouse experience the beauty of beginning again—with God leading the way.