Merry Married Christmas: Tips for Handling the Holidays as Newlyweds

My daughter recently got engaged! She will be the first of my children to get married, and it has me looking both backward and forward this Christmas season.

Looking Backward

I remember those first Christmases that my husband and I had together before our children came along. Kevin and I lived in a tiny rental house that we filled with handed-down furniture and decorations from our college dorm rooms. Most of our first Christmas tree ornaments were given to me by a friend during a week of Secret Santa at the high school where she and I taught. We took our first Christmas card photo with our two red-eyed, floppy-eared Basset Hounds – our “children” at that time. We didn’t have a lot of money, but we made the most with what we had. We also had to navigate how to split/share our time with both sides of our families.

I think back, too, to all those Christmases when our children were little. The firstborn—the one who is now engaged to be married—had a BIG first Christmas since she was also the first grandbaby on my husband’s side of the family. We just couldn’t help ourselves. It was so much fun to buy gifts for her! (It still is.) There was something extra exciting and magical about Christmas when our kids were young.

Looking Forward

As I anticipate my daughter’s last Christmas with us as a single young woman, I have mixed emotions. There is a tinge of sadness, to be sure, as yet another season of life falls behind us. I don’t want to ignore that feeling, but I also don’t want to get stuck there. I want to join in her excitement of starting a new family of her own – one that will have their own way of doing things and will create their own set of Christmas memories. If they are living more on love than on money in the early days, just like Kevin and I did, I’ll need to remember that those early days of planning, learning, and even struggling a bit together are what helped us build a strong foundation in our marriage.

There are so many things to learn, compromise, and work through in the early years of marriage. If you, like my daughter, are in a season of preparing for marriage or are still in the early years of your marriage, I would love to offer you some encouragement and maybe a little guidance in a few areas as you enter this Christmas season.

Expectations

Great marriages are made up of great communicators, so get to talking! Don’t assume or just hope that your spouse knows what you would like this season to look like. Talk about it. Ask each other questions. Get specific about your likes and dislikes. Talk about what each of you expects in terms of schedules and family time, and then communicate clearly with your extended families about what you are planning together as a couple. It might be that you have different plans for how you will handle time with extended family before you have children versus after you have children. That is totally fine! Just be clear with each other and with the rest of your family about your intentions. Everyone appreciates clear communication, and it is always helpful to know plans for the future rather than having surprises sprung at the last minute.

Traditions

Whether we realize it or not, we all have family traditions. Some were intentional in the making; some were accidental, but all were part of our lives. As you and your spouse consider traditions for your new family, take time to talk through what has been important to each of you in the past. There might be some traditions you’re ready to leave behind. You might want to carry pieces of past traditions – or traditions in their entirety – into your newly formed family. Maybe your families didn’t emphasize the Jesus-centeredness of Christmas or celebrate the season of Advent as much as you would like to. Now is the time to get those things started! And hopefully, you will both get excited about creating some of these new traditions with your family. Talk about it all. Be honest and specific. And have fun dreaming about the future together! Also, don’t be afraid to let something go if you try it but it doesn’t seem like a good fit for your family. Give yourselves both freedom and grace in this.

Gifts

Learning to give good gifts to each other can take time and intentionality. Unfortunately, thoughtful gift-giving doesn’t come naturally to everyone. And often, it comes naturally to only one of the people in the marriage relationship. If that happens to be you, may I encourage you to take joy in the giving process and be gracious toward your spouse if it’s not as easy for them? Or maybe it’s the other way around, in which case I want to encourage you to do all that you can to learn to give good gifts to your spouse. Study each other. Pay attention to what the other person is interested in and likes. Take notes and keep little lists going throughout the year so that you have some ideas to work from when it comes time for gift-giving. Know each other’s love languages, which helps you know what kinds of gifts might be the most meaningful.

Most of all, as with everything else, be sure that you talk about it. Be open about your ideas, hopes, and even expectations around gift-giving and receiving. It might not seem like a big deal to you, but it might be to your spouse. And vice versa. Keep the communication going and work hard to avoid comparisons between you in this area. Let the words of 2 Corinthians 9:7 be your theme: “Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” (ESV)

Kevin and I have been married for more than 26 years, and we are still working through some of these matters in terms of expectations, traditions, and gifts. But we have come a long way, and it is all easier than it once was. I imagine my daughter and her fiancé will take some time to sort through all of it, too.

As for this Christmas, I don’t want to miss it by spending too much time looking backward or forward. I want to be present and soak it all up because things will be different next year. And then I can start looking forward to my own grandbaby one day! I’m already planning on doing way too much for that baby’s first Christmas, too.