The Subtle Ways We Quit Without Leaving

Most Christian couples get married with the commitment of “until death do us part.” For them, divorce is not an option.

However, though these couples remain physically present in their marriage, they give in to emotional withdrawal, disengagement, and unspoken resentment.

These under-the-radar issues can erode a marriage, even if they never lead to divorce.

By implementing purposeful presence, open honesty, and continual recommitment, they can faithfully love their spouse even in times of hardship and difficulty in their marriage.

Here are some ways to evaluate and address the subtle ways we quit our marriages without leaving them.

Withdrawal Versus Presence

When life gets hard, disagreements arise, or feelings shift, we can be tempted to withdraw from our marriages emotionally. This might look like going through the motions, living in the same home, but not interacting with one another, or a lack of intentionality. Mere co-existence is not a marriage. When two people become one, they are meant to share their minds and emotions as well as their bodies and the same square footage.

We might be tempted to talk more about ourselves and our lives to friends or on social media. We might be focused on self-improvement and personal interests. Separation in marriage is never good in any form.

Instead, we must practice presence. Intentionally greeting one another at the start and end of the day, and looking into each other’s eyes when talking. Actively listening and responding to our spouses’ comments. Paying attention to their needs and well-being and actively looking for ways to bless, love, and honor them. These are all ways to be in the moment with our spouse.

Galatians 6:9 offers this encouragement: “And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.”

Disengagement Versus Honesty

Yet another way that we disappear from our marriages is by disengaging. We don’t strive to work on the marriage. We might have concerns or needs, but we keep them to ourselves. We think it isn’t worth the effort of working through a problem, so we simply decide to “deal with” the issue. We may think we are protecting ourselves from potential hurt, but we hurt the marriage instead.

This act of separation is against God’s oneness principle in marriage. The Bible, rather than teaching us to avoid conflict, shows us how to handle it with love and grace. Even being a peacemaker is an active process. It requires doing something.

Honesty with humility is a better route. If you have a need or concern, it is best to address it. A marriage that deals with conflict will come out stronger on the other side. A marriage that avoids conflict will be weakened.

Ephesians 4:25 tells us that “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.”

Resentment Versus Recommitment

Both withdrawal and disengagement will result in resentment. The withdrawal can leave us lonely and feeling unloved or unsupported. Disengagement can allow hurts to fester and fears to increase.

Whenever an issue is not addressed, it can grow in our minds, becoming larger than life. We may make assumptions that lead to anger and bitterness, which will ultimately tear the marriage apart from within, even if it appears intact on the outside.

Resentment can never stay buried. It always comes out in what we say and do.

1 Corinthians 13 reminds us that love “keeps no record of wrongs,” and Hebrews 12:15 tells us that bitterness can defile us. Therefore, we must continually recommit to a biblical standard of marriage and of love. We must recommit to God and obey his commands for marriage. Then we must recommit to our spouse and begin biblically treating them despite our feelings.

Faithful Love

Love is an act of faith. We commit to it because we have made a covenant. When we keep our covenant, we are obeying God, and He will bless our efforts. As the designer of marriage, God knows how it works best, and when we keep to His principles, we will see fruit in our marriages.

When you feel like withdrawing, commit to being present. When you feel like disengaging, commit to honesty; when resentment begins to creep in, recommit. Do this again and again, and your marriage will become one of connection, both physically and emotionally.

Marriage is a mirror of the gospel. Just as withdrawing from the Lord, disengaging from his word and his people, and feeling resentment towards his actions would destroy your relationship with Christ, so would these actions destroy your marriage.

God wants more for your marriage. It is meant to be a shadow of His story and to give Him glory.