What Happened When I Stopped Rushing My Husband’s Growth

In the early days of our marriage, my husband and I often bumped heads. We were both Christians, but we didn’t see eye to eye on many things. The ways we were raised, the parents we each had, the churches we grew up in, and the teaching we had or hadn’t received all contributed to this mismatch.

My parents walked the walk. They led in faith and in life and created a stable home, despite their own shortcomings. From the beginning of my faith journey, I had exemplary teachers who thoroughly formed and equipped me for life and godliness.

My husband’s family included a father who was preoccupied with work, a mother with limited education, and siblings much younger than he was. His family was godly but had limited social interaction, so while he had faith and excellent character, he was mostly self-taught. He didn’t have mature, godly leaders, teachers, or mentors to shape him.

He tended to be practical and grounded, while I tended to be a visionary with my head in the clouds.

Friction was the order of the day. I wanted him to lead in the Lord’s way, just as my dad had. He expected me to do everything the way his mother had because of his father’s work schedule. His father was a good man and an excellent provider, but little else. Under the circumstances, his mother ran the home as best she could.

We were well balanced and truly suited for each other, but we were too young and immature to recognize it then. I pushed and prodded, while he resisted and rebelled. I was often burdened, stressed, and weary of life and the load I carried.

Learning to See God as My First Love and True Husband

One day, I was so frustrated over something he failed to do that I turned to the Lord and said, “From now on, You’re my husband. I will look only to You for everything I need, big or small. I will expect from You all that I need, and I know You will take care of me.” I began calling on the Lord first, asking Him to meet my needs and desires before involving my husband. This freed both of us, even though he didn’t know about my decision.

I stopped demanding that my husband satisfy me because I was looking to my heavenly Husband. I knew He would answer me and provide what I needed. So it didn’t matter whether my husband did it or not. I was no longer hung up on his actions or reactions. I realized he was only human and could never fully understand me or respond the way I wanted or needed him to.

Only God could do that, and it was foolish of me to expect my husband to do what God alone can do, anytime, anywhere, and in any circumstance.

Isaiah 54:5–6 says, “For your Maker is your husband — the LORD Almighty is His name — the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; He is called the God of all the earth. The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit — a wife who married young, only to be rejected,” says your God. (NIV)

This word is for everyone who feels abandoned, left out, or uncared for. Let God be God, and let our husbands be human, not divine.

It wasn’t that I stopped looking to my husband altogether. I just stopped stressing because I understood he was human and bound to fail. He wasn’t Superman or God. He was just another fallible person, prone to mistakes and missteps, just like me.

Understanding and Accepting My Husband

Once, when I was complaining to a friend that my husband sometimes struggled to lead in faith, she turned to me and said, “How can he do it when he’s weak in that area? How can you expect someone who lacks a skill to perform it? You bear with people outside your home when you notice they aren’t capable of something. Why won’t you extend the same courtesy to your husband?”

I was thunderstruck by the logic and truth of her words. For the first time, I accepted that my husband needed my understanding and acceptance in that part of his life.

I began dealing gently with him and filling in what he lacked. Instead of looking down on him or criticizing him for not measuring up, I covered his weak spots with my strengths. God often unites two people in marriage for exactly this reason, so that where one is weak, the other is strong.

Ecclesiastes 4:9–10 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” (NIV)

Marriage is meant for two people to complement each other, with each one’s strengths making up for the other’s weaknesses. It is not a competition. Incompatibility is common in marriage, and it is not grounds for divorce or separation. It is an opportunity for growth and maturity.

Patiently Waiting For Him to Catch Up

My extensive training has made me rich in God’s Word. Traditionally, men were expected to know more than women and to lead. In our case, it was the opposite, so I longed for my husband to be on par with me in everything.

This blinded me to his hidden qualities because I was looking for the ones I thought were important. I was restless that he wasn’t keeping pace, and I was often impatient with him. Thankfully, he was more Christlike in spirit than I was, and in time I learned to notice all the goodness in him. Once I stopped expecting him to be like me, I could see his other sterling qualities. He was quick to forgive; he didn’t hold resentment, and he chose to love me even when I was unloving.

He never fed my rebellion. When I took offense at someone, he always encouraged me to see that person’s point of view. Over time, I learned to be compassionate, flexible, and quick to apologize.

I also realized that God wasn’t expecting my husband to do what I was demanding. That meant I was trying to take God’s place.

Over the years, we have learned from one another and grown in maturity while adjusting to each other’s quirks. Life is good when we allow God to lead us, build us together, and show us that our differences can help us grow.