3 Important Reasons Why You Should Apologize First to Your Teen

It happens to all of us. You are in the middle of what you think is a perfectly normal conversation with your teen; then, suddenly, voices get louder, tears fall, and chaos ensues! Or maybe you make a promise with every intention of fulfilling it, only you forget to check your schedule first, or something important pops up. You try to explain or justify your predicament, but your words ring hollow to your teen’s disappointed ears.

Sooner or later, we all find ourselves in conflict with our teenagers, wondering who will be the first to apologize.

Can I give you some advice? Most of the time, it should be you.

Wait, what? Most of the time, it isn’t even my fault!

That’s probably true—but it doesn’t matter. If you value connecting with your teen, you should be the first one to say you’re sorry.

One of our family sayings is, “Our relationship is more important than my need to be right.” Stephen Covey said it this way: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

When there is a heated exchange, both parties usually have something they could have done differently. As adults, we have an opportunity to exercise our spiritual maturity and make the first move. If we don’t, we risk endangering future connections with our teens.

Why You Should Apologize to Your Teen First

1. Exercise Spiritual Maturity

One of our greatest areas of influence with our teens is how we live out our faith. Asking them to “do as we say, but not as we do” is a great way to lead them away from a life-transforming faith in Christ. In times like these, we need to set aside our feelings, put our money where our mouth is, and choose to respond in obedience to Christ.

God’s Word speaks very clearly on the issue of relational conflict and taking responsibility for our actions. The Bible is filled with examples, commands, and encouragements on how we are to treat one another! Here are a few verses that remind us why you should apologize to your teen first (even if the argument wasn’t your fault):

1. “So, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there, remember that your brother has something against you; leave your gift there before the altar and go. First, be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” (Matthew 5:23-24, ESV)
2. “Whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is [sums up] the Law and the Prophets.” (Matthew 7:12, ESV)
3. “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32, ESV)
4. “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:3-5, ESV)
5. “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1, ESV)

2. Lead By Example

Not only does God expect us to live obediently to His Word for our own sake, but He also wants us to model it for our teens. Jesus often leads by example, and He gives us plenty of opportunities to do the same for our children.

When we acknowledge our teen’s emotions (even though we may be frustrated ourselves), we teach them the value of empathy. It takes great humility and gentleness to do this, but it helps evaporate tension and negative feelings, which are important skills for teens to learn.
If we are willing to admit our imperfections, it makes it easier for them to do the same. Our vulnerability helps them feel less defensive and paves the way for better communication.

Additionally, taking responsibility for our own actions and choices encourages our teens to do the same. This can be difficult if we really do mess up because it requires surrendering our pride (ugh). However, sometimes, it’s even harder to apologize when we know our perspective is correct and our actions are justified. In this case, I often apologize for my method, not my message.

My teens often hear some version of this apology from me: “What I said was correct, and I believe you needed to hear it. But I was hurt and angry, and I was obviously not using self-control. I am so sorry for yelling at you and reacting in my anger; it was wrong and not the example I wanted to set for you. I should have waited until I calmed down to continue the conversation. Will you please forgive me?”

Certainly, it’s best when we can lead by example in positive situations! But just like us, our teens are going to mess up sometimes. What an awesome opportunity for us to model for them what it looks like to apologize first.

3. Establish Trust

Stephen Covey said, “Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.” One of the best ways we can build trust with our teens is by saying we’re sorry and being the one to initiate reconciliation. It shows them they matter to us more than our pride, more than “being right.” And once we earn their trust, they are more likely to confide in us and seek our counsel on other important matters.

Therefore, the next time you find yourself in an explosion of conflict with your teen, remember that while it may not feel like it, it’s actually a great opportunity to connect with them! Take some time to cool down to allow both of you to process your words and emotions so you don’t react in anger.

And then, when you’re ready, be the first one to say you’re sorry.