5 Ways to Love Your Teen When They Push Away

The teen years keep growing my faith in ways I didn’t expect. I already figured I’d lean on God during the major moments, like those first drives, late curfews, and milestone decisions. But I didn’t realize how desperately I’d need Him in the everyday ones: the conversations where I (mistakenly) say the wrong thing or use the wrong tone, the slammed doors that follow, and the emotional barriers my teens throw up.

When our teens push back (or pull away), it’s easy to fall for the lie that we’re losing their hearts. But pulling away is often part of growing up, not a sign that we’re failing. And this is where the Holy Spirit points us toward wisdom when the old ways of parenting no longer work. After all, God knows a thing or two about kids who push away from Him.

The same Spirit who is shaping your heart is shaping the way you love your teen, even when love feels awkward or unreturned. Here are five biblically grounded ways to love your teen when they push away.

1. Love them with patient presence.

One reason teens pull away is that they’re learning how to be their own person—separate from us—and that process often creates distance. What can feel like rejection to us is usually their way of figuring out who they are. That doesn’t make the feeling of rejection any less painful, though.

But your patient presence matters, even if it looks different from previous parenting seasons. Now it looks like staying emotionally available without forcing your kid to talk or hang out on your timeline. It’s sitting nearby without interrogating and showing up without pressure, even when your teen doesn’t engage.

When the prodigal son chooses distance and independence, the father doesn’t chase him down or try to control his choices. Instead, he stays watchful and ready. “While he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion” (Luke 15:20). The Father’s love never wavers. He remains close in heart, even when his son pulls away. Our teens don’t need to be prodigals to need that kind of love, too.

Try this: Instead of peppering your teen with questions as soon as he walks in the door, say: “I’m here if you want to talk.” Then show it with your actions by being available when they are (even if it’s at 11 pm).

2. Love them by listening calmly.

God designed our brains to develop more slowly than our bodies. That means teens often deal with adult-sized emotions with kid-sized coping skills because their emotional centers develop faster than their reasoning skills. When those big emotions spill over onto us, they’re often testing something deeper: Is it safe to share this? Am I still lovable right now?

James 1:19 reminds us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak.” When we jump straight into correcting or lecturing, we may unintentionally shut the door they just cracked open. This doesn’t mean excusing hurtful behavior, though. But it does point to responding to it with wisdom.

God models this kind of listening with us. Throughout Scripture, we see Him inviting lament, honesty, and raw questioning. He listens before He instructs. And He embraces and loves all the parts of us, even the emotional hot mess bits.

Try this: Pause before responding to your teen’s emotions. Reflect what you hear instead of correcting the delivery: “That sounds overwhelming,” or “I can see why that hurt.”

3. Love them with consistent boundaries.

Teens test boundaries to figure out where safety and structure still exist. Of course, they can’t articulate that because they aren’t even aware of their why. But consistent and age-appropriate boundaries answer that question with reassurance. They communicate stability in a season when your teen’s emotions, identity, and confidence can feel anything but steady.

Hebrews 12:11 wisely teaches: “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” God doesn’t lower His standards or delete a commandment when we push back on them. Holding boundaries when your teen resists them can feel lonely and thankless, but God shows us it’s a way to love our kids.

Try this: Keep rules clear and consistent. You can’t control how your teen reacts to your boundaries around social media usage or driving, but you can control how you respond to your child. Your consistency reflects God’s steady, trustworthy love.

4. Love them by releasing your grip.

The older my children grow, the more open-handed my approach to parenting becomes. Little by little, the Holy Spirit is gently unfurling my clenched fists and leading me to entrust my kids more fully to Him and the path He has for their lives.

Teens need increasing independence to build confidence and decision-making skills. This is how they begin to discover who they are, how God has uniquely equipped them, and how He may want to use them. And much of that learning comes from hands-on experience, including failure and getting back up.

This mirrors our relationship with God. He gives us freedom to choose, even knowing we may stumble. He doesn’t force us into obedience. Instead, He invites us to trust Him with our whole hearts and gives us the space to turn to Him.

Try this: Identify one area where your teen can take more ownership. Let him decide whether it’s time to step away from a sport. Let her discern if she can balance two AP classes while working. Offer guidance and then step back. Tell your teen you trust their decision-making. And remind yourself that God is holding your teen even as you loosen your grip.

5. Love them by speaking life.

Today’s teens are often referred to as the anxious generation. And it makes sense. Our teens live under constant comparison, intense academic pressure, and social media scrutiny. Developmentally, teens are forming their identity, making them especially vulnerable to their inner critic. Their brains are still learning how to filter thoughts and separate truth from lies. That’s why your words matter more than ever.

Proverbs 18:21 says that “the power of life and death is in the tongue.” God consistently speaks identity over us when we’re anxious, uncertain, or afraid. He calls us beloved, chosen, redeemed. He reminds us that we are seen, known, and deeply loved. When we speak life to our teens, we’re echoing God’s truth.

Try this: Speak (or text) one life-giving truth over your teen each day. Call out your teen’s character. Affirm the spiritual gifts you see emerging. Let your words push back against the lies your teen hears and instead amplify the grace-filled voice of God.

And Always, Love Them through Prayer

Pray for wisdom. Pray for their hearts. Pray for your own patience and restraint. (I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve asked the Holy Spirit to put a hand over my mouth.) Pray when doors get slammed and conversations feel like a battle.

You are doing the hard and holy work of raising a child after God’s own heart. Even when your teen pulls away from you, they are never outside the reach of God’s love. And neither are you.