How to Forgive Yourself and Start Again

Shame will forever be a part of our nature. It is as old as the garden. As old as fig leaves, inadequately attempting to cover something. Shame causes us to hide who we are, retreat from God, blame others and even blame God himself. Shame may be consuming us on the inside, but we keep it quiet. We don’t want others to know, and we may even try to hide it from God, as if we could.

The irony is that bringing our shame into the light is the only way to remove it. It goes against our instinct, and so we resist. Confession rather than secrecy breaks bondage. Community rather than isolation feeds freedom.

God’s mercy is always there. Your shame didn’t remove it. We can always begin anew, even if the steps to get there are small.

Confession

Scripture tells us in John 8:32 that “the truth will set you free,” but we struggle to believe it. We think perfection will set us free. We think our own abilities will set us free. Yet, Christ said it was the truth. This means that when we feel shame about our past, our present, our failures, or our sins, the best thing to do is to bring those things into the light. Since Jesus is the light, it means bringing them to Him.

Rather than excusing our mess, trying to forget it, or wallowing in it, we must openly and honestly reveal it to our Maker, who knows it all anyway. Trying to feel loved by God with our fig leaves on is never going to set us free. Knowing we are loved when the truth of our shame is laid bare before him is the path to true freedom.

Start by examining yourself. Why do you feel shame? If you aren’t sure, then pray as David did, “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me,” (Psalm 139:23-24). Make a list. Pray over it. Confess any sins to the Lord. Confess any wrong thinking to Him. Bear it all before Him. Leaving nothing. Once you are done, burn your list or write the word “covered” on top of it in red pen. Whenever you are tempted to hide in shame, bring out the list again to remind yourself that you have been freed.

Community

Galatians 6:2 tells us to “Bear one another’s burdens,” and this is good news for us when we feel tempted to bear our shame in silence. We aren’t supposed to do that. We are supposed to share it. Our shame was never meant to be carried on our own shoulders. After we give it to God, we give it to others. The fellowship of Christians is meant not only for the good times, but for the bad. To comfort, to encourage, to help.

Scripture continually reminds us to meet together, to serve one another, to teach each other, and so much more. We often fear what others will think of us. This is where we often make the mistake of thinking we are worse than others, but scripture tells us that “all have sinned” (Romans 3:23). This means that we all have made mistakes; we all are tempted to hide our flaws and failures. We can safely reach out to the community because they know how it feels. Satan wants us to believe we are alone. Don’t believe it. When you confess to others as well as to Christ, you will be surprised at how often you hear, “me too.” In addition to advice and encouragement, you will also find understanding and connection.

Start by reaching out to a trusted friend or pastor. Ask if they are willing to discuss personal issues with you. Then, be open. Don’t hold back. Be honest and clear. Tell them what tempts you to hide in shame. Pray with them. Ask for prayer. Ask for wisdom, advice, and accountability. Take notes when you meet together or schedule check-ins via text, phone, or coffee dates. God can use his servants to be the hands and feet that make His forgiveness feel tangible and real. Our community can be the living, earthly embodiment of God’s mercy.

Small Steps

God is mercy. He doesn’t have to think about offering it, wait to feel like it, wait for your perfection or performance or anything of the sort. He is all mercy all the time. You need to partner with Him through the means He has provided to receive it.

First, confess.

Second, fellowship.

Third, feed on God’s Word where His mercy is revealed again and again.

Four, speak God’s truth to yourself.

Read scripture on forgiveness. Read the story of Christ’s sacrifice. Memorize scripture and place it around your home or in your car to read when you are tempted to retreat into shame. Then, move “further up and further in,” as they say in The Last Battle. Study theology. Do a word study on mercy, grace, or forgiveness. Read books on God’s nature. If you still struggle, reach out to a nouthetic counselor who can help you to partner with God’s mercy in your quest to step out from under the slavery of shame.

Matthew 11:30 provides a clue as to when we let shame harm our relationship with God. He tells us that His “yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” If you are feeling a heavy burden of shame, then you aren’t wearing His yoke. You are serving the wrong master. Let the God of mercy, who is Mercy, be your Master instead.

Remember that Satan himself tried to tempt Jesus, but Jesus spoke truth to prevent shame, fear or pride or desire to rule Him. We must do the same. When shame prevents us from forgiving ourselves, we need to speak truth to ourselves and to the devil who wants to drown us in regret. 

We need to read it, speak it, and sing it until we truly believe it. We must stop covering our shame with flimsy leaves and instead let ourselves be robed in Christ’s sacrifice, just as God robed the first shame bearers with the skins from the first sacrifice. He has covered us, and His covering is forever.